Editing for impact and idiomatic English
Nature of edit To boost the impact of a new product announcement for an international audience
Type of copy Support information for re-marketers
In order to further support our seasonal business, we present - as a surprise introduction - the Cornish Pixie in the exclusive colour tone Silver Shield for the 4th Launch 2022. We will physically present this piece at the London Group Presentation in September 2022.
Meet the Cornish Pixie in exclusive colourway Silver Shield… We will unveil the piece – a surprise further launch to support our seasonal business – at the London Group Presentation in September 2022.
Problem and solution
This paragraph is perfectly intelligible, but some readers might find it awkwardly phrased and stumble over word order.
The client briefed their editor to improve the flow of the text for an international readership and to boost impact. This meant recentring the reader and the core announcement (the new product), and substituting more idiomatic words and phrases (‘colourway’ for colour tone, ‘unveil’ for physically present).
The editor also compressed some of the less important information into the parenthetical, which they retained as a conversational element.